Google Analytics Seriously Scary

Google Analytics are Scary

Update: 3/14/2013 Even after posting this originally in January of 2012, I still didn’t know what the hell I was doing with Google Analytics and SEO. FINALLY, I found someone who could explain it to me so I could understand it.

Vanita Cyril of The Strategic Mama knows her stuff. I took her Google Luv Course and I am revamping my whole blog with what she has taught me. If you need SEO help for you blog, she is your girl.

I have seen blog posts before hi-lighting some of the stranger phrases entered in Master Google to get to their blogs.  Usually they were off the cuff, but at least a little funny.  I have to admit that in nearly two years of blogging I didn’t know how to find the information.  A part of me would like to go back to not knowing because it freaks me out to think of all these sickos landing on the pages I think responsible for most of the hits.

Though I have used all of those words separately, only a few were used as phrases.  A very high percentage clicked off immediately as I can imagine my content isn’t spank bank worthy.  I am grateful to Liz Jostes at Eli Rose* for teaching me how to choose the keywords to submit to search engines so I never have to look at a list like this again:

google-analytics-scary

 

Do you feel like taking a shower after reading those?  Me too.

*Just info, since the words are in an image they’re not searchable so I’m not ending up with a bigger problem through this post.  Right, Liz?

Poppy

Poppy is a runner, writer, and mother of 3 children ranging in ages from 5 to 14. By day she's shuttling teenagers to the mall or someone to a birthday party in between Costco trips. She may not have had a pedicure in 5 years, but she still makes time for moms night out, girls nights in, or local PDX events with good friends. Recovery from fun nights out include a healthy lifestyle of marathon training, triathlon training, and lean eating. Parenthood can be messy, but Poppy always manages to find the funny under the snot.
34 Responses to Google Analytics Seriously Scary
  1. SurferWife
    January 10, 2012 | 9:42 pm

    Wow.

    Though I do need to apologize. The naked spring break one was me.

    • Poppy
      January 10, 2012 | 9:49 pm

      I would have put my money on hairiest vagina.

  2. Galit Breen
    January 10, 2012 | 10:10 pm

    Oh no!

    Just, oh no!

    {And yeah, maybe a shower}

    :)

  3. Moomser
    January 11, 2012 | 12:22 am

    GAAAAAH!

  4. Moomser
    January 11, 2012 | 12:30 am

    I just realized you’re no longer doing the linky, today as I prepared my post to link up. Then I went back and looked to see when you stopped doing it and realized it was in october. Observant I am not. Oh well.

  5. Eva Gallant
    January 11, 2012 | 8:13 am

    But you’ll lose your popularity! lol

    • Poppy
      January 11, 2012 | 7:12 pm

      No kidding, my blog traffic will probably hit the skids!

  6. Paula
    January 11, 2012 | 8:22 am

    This made me laugh out loud (which is ok, cause I am home and only my dog looked at me funny). I hope the guy who searched for ‘my big dick’ was not disappointed but somehow I sense that he was…

    • Poppy
      January 11, 2012 | 7:13 pm

      I don’t think he was expecting an Elf on the Shelf named, “Dick” And if he was? He’s sicker than we thought.

  7. LindySez
    January 11, 2012 | 8:28 am

    I am taking a shower, and I’m taking my not the hairiest vagina with me!

    Sorry, it’s just sick how many of these refer to children isn’t it?

    • Poppy
      January 11, 2012 | 7:14 pm

      That made me laugh. Yes, I don’t care about the other stuff – it’s the kid references that bug me so much. What freaks.

  8. Kristin
    January 11, 2012 | 8:41 am

    Yikes!
    But interesting how dick, vagina and cupcake are equally popular.

    • Poppy
      January 11, 2012 | 7:16 pm

      Thankfully Liz gave me a crash course in SEO 101! I hope I get some hits for stuff I actually write about. Cupcake? Ha!

  9. John
    January 11, 2012 | 10:20 am

    But where will I next end up when I click “I’m Feeling Lucky” when I search for “My big dick with a volleyball booty and a big cupcake?”

    How did everyone else find this blog?

    • Poppy
      January 11, 2012 | 7:17 pm

      I’m not sure, but I hope it has a webcam for your enjoyment. I am a little naughty, but never expected this. Must be the comments you and Mad Woman leave!

  10. julie gardner
    January 11, 2012 | 10:37 am

    DRY JANUARY?!?

    Some people are just sick.

    • Poppy
      January 11, 2012 | 7:19 pm

      Hahahha! I actually did that last year. I made it until the 26th (My anniversary). I needed to celebrate that day at the same level of inebriation in which I said my vows.

      This year I made it until the 7th….

  11. secret mom thoughts
    January 11, 2012 | 11:17 am

    Super scary. I need to learn how to submit the word to google.

    • Poppy
      January 11, 2012 | 7:20 pm

      I just ignored it. I wasn’t all that motivated to try and find words to get random people to find my blog, but now I see I want some random people to stay the hell away!

  12. Bridget
    January 11, 2012 | 1:14 pm

    This makes me glad I don’t know anything about managing a blog.

    • Poppy
      January 11, 2012 | 7:21 pm

      You are the younger and cuter version of me. You need to get off your half ass and figure it out. Seriously, I wish I would have bothered.

  13. Miss Marina Star
    January 11, 2012 | 1:57 pm

    Shower, uh, yes please.

  14. Tonya
    January 11, 2012 | 2:11 pm

    Oh my.

    People find you in the most disgusting ways.

    • Poppy
      January 11, 2012 | 7:21 pm

      My only thought is that they have to click off right away. I do have an extremely high bounce rate.

  15. Mad Woman behind the Blog
    January 11, 2012 | 4:10 pm

    But do we get to take that shower WITH you? Please say yes!?!?!?
    See, its always about sex with me.

    Also, I clearly need to write about more interesting stuff.

    • Poppy
      January 11, 2012 | 7:22 pm

      I am convinced your comments have attracted half of these nut jobs. I’d like to see your list, they have to be worse than mine!

  16. Kimberly
    January 11, 2012 | 4:23 pm

    I do have to say that whoever was searching for ummm…well you know..was probably really disappointed.
    I hope that they’re ashamed of themselves.
    But I do wonder if they can find your blog by the comments…
    Like if I said vagina, twat waffle and cock and balls, can they find you?
    This internet is scary business sometimes.
    Vagina lips.

    • Poppy
      January 11, 2012 | 7:23 pm

      You are so fucking funny.

  17. Carrie
    January 11, 2012 | 4:25 pm

    Yeah, you got a whole lotta naked stuff brewing around this place.

    And I have boobs brewing around mine.

    • Poppy
      January 11, 2012 | 7:24 pm

      I wish I would have thought to look before last week. My own stupid fault. I had a post actually titled “The Bush” – oops.

  18. Mama P
    January 11, 2012 | 6:10 pm

    UGH, how awful are those people doing those searches are creepy!

    but I totally laughing at the comments, especially the Vagina lips :D

    • Poppy
      January 11, 2012 | 7:25 pm

      Now that you and Kim have said it twice in the comments if that comes up the next time I search……
      (which will prob be in 6 months knowing me!)

  19. Missy | Literal Mom
    January 12, 2012 | 6:34 am

    Definitely feeling icky. And will go take that shower now. I’m totally scared to look mine up!

  20. Kimberly
    January 12, 2012 | 3:45 pm

    This is all kinds of disturbing and wrong. Fortunately, mine are all pretty boring. Mostly involve the concepts “kids and animals” or “families at the zoo.”

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