Hank Found a Friend In Jesus. Thank God.
Hank has made a new friend. His name is Jesus. Mostly I approve of the relationship, though Jesus and I have squared off a few times. This is Hank’s second year in the Lutheran preschool down the road from our house. He still can’t tell his ass from his elbow or an A from B, but he does know Jesus lives in his heart.
This month in the spirit of Thanksgiving the preschool is holding a canned food drive. The children are asked to bring non perishables from home. Rather than just donating directly, the children are tasked with “earning” the food by doing extra chores around the home. Perhaps other 4 year old children are more advanced than my 4 year old because Hank isn’t wrapping his pretty little head around the concept no matter how many times I explain it to him.
This video was actually edited down from 5 minutes and may only be funny to me so it won’t hurt my feelings if you don’t watch it, but holy shit is this kid screwing with me or what? I blame Jesus.
Right now, there are only three items in Hank’s giving bag. He keeps pulling out what he doesn’t think Jesus would care for, like raisins.
While we are on the topic, I have another bone to pick with Jesus. Hank has never been modest. On any given day, if you stop by our home, Hank will be in his underwear. So when he got out of the shower and was covering his bottom with one hand and his penis with the other, I was taken aback. He was scooting backwards towards his room with a sly smile when I initiated the following conversation.
Me: What are you doing?
Hank : I don’t want you to look at me.
Me: (Laughing) I made that junk.
Hank: (As serious as can be) NO, Jesus did.
I was fairly confident Jesus wasn’t going to assist Hank in buttoning his pants so I threw his underwear at him and tried not to laugh. As funny as that exchange struck me, I’m not worried that Jesus is usurping my position in Hank’s life. I did, however, confirm the youth pastor at the church was not named Jesus.
Poppy
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first off love the southern baptist dance hank was twirling about. i have to stick up for hank maybe when you first asked him if the garbage was empty he thought jesus had emptied it already, i mean if the guy can make pee pee's and butt cracks he should be able to make the garbage can empty.
I think Hank's a mastermind. He is sooooo screwing with you. The twinkle in his eye gives it away. I am one of 4 children – and tmy baby brother – now in his 30s – still gets away with murder because he plays "dumb". But I know for a fact that he is the smartest of us all and this is his way to get what he wants with little effort on his part. Hank's a genius – you'll see.
I typed "That Jesus, he's a tricky bastard." and then thought better of it because my Catholic upbringing taught me the word "omnipotent." I'm pretty sure He wouldn't like me calling Him tricky.
Also, if I were you, I'd be thanking Jesus everyday for the blog fodder known as Hank. Because this, this is GOLDEN!
Why would Jesus hate raisins?!?
I can totally see how he's a handful!
Frankly, I don't know that anyone, not even Jesus, would care for raisins.
He is too cute! And I find pre-schooler modesty funny. They think it's such a big deal.
Oh how i love Hank.
I think the moves at the end were pretty talented. Shit,I haven't been able to bend like that since 2003…ask my husband…wait…this is mildly inappropriate since this is about Jesus. And Hank. Poor kid is going to be crushed when he finds out that neither him nor Santa Claus is real.
You have the patience of a saint, and I can see how you need it. Too cute, Jesus would approve…
As a Jew, I say screw Jesus. What's he done for ME lately? Tell Hank to give me his address and I'll send him some crushed tomatoes, and $2 for emptying the trash.
I am so glad I am not the only one who has these *bash head against* wall conversations.
I also find it hysterical that Hank feels it is necessary to thank Jesus for his junk.
Jesus LOVES spinning.
Pretty sure.
Totally screwing with you. He's eating food and he knows there's more food to come, why do chores? I am on his side with this. Down with assigned chores!
Hank is obviously smarter than the pre-school teachers.
Oh Thank God it's not just me that has these convos with a 4 year old. We need to keep Hank and Ethan away from each other…
Or they could talk to each other, Sophie can watch the twins, and we can duct tape Maren to a chair and we can share a bottle of wine. Sound like a plan?
Ya, he's totally not getting the give to the hungry concept. The teachers sent home this elaborate chart too and Hank could give a shit less.
I'm just going to assume you meant the actual spinning around he is doing because it sounds like it could be dirty. Not that I would know or anything.
Don't all men? I just didn't realize it started this young.
Ha! Hank would probably give those to Jesus because he doesn't like those.
WWJD? You mean he wouldn't kick that boy in the ass? Because that's what I did when the camera was turned off. Kidding.
Dude, it's nature's candy.
Because Hank wanted to keep them. He is high maintenance. In the most delightful way.
Ohmygoodness, this? Is gold!
Lauren I hope you're right because sometimes I think he is and then he'll go and lick the bottom of my shoe.
He has considerably less rhythm than a southern baptist, but he's got soul.
This is downright hilarious.
I remember my brother-in-law, at a very young age, waking up on Christmas and doing the cabbage patch, singing "hey Jesus, it's your birthday."
I can't imagine either of my kids being modest, ever.
I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with Jesus & my kids . . . they go to church, but my tweeting needs to stop before they can read
OMG that last line had me on the floor.
I didn't know Jesus actually made the junk, that explains a lot. I always thought he was a misogynist. Now it's confirmed.
Holy eff, children are frustrating, aren't they?!
" I did, however, confirm the youth pastor at the church was not named Jesus. "
You are so going to hell.
See you there!