Aspirin Doesn’t Kill the Smell of Ranch Dressing

Aspirin Doesn’t Cure Everything

It was an unseasonably warm October day in the Pacific Northwest today.  It reminded me of another stretch of good weather in October a few years ago.  Specifically, two days after Craig and I attended the 30th birthday party of his niece.

Let me back up to the beginning and say most evenings that start with champagne end badly.  Yes, it was sparkling wine if you would like to be technical.  This particular evening was kid free and the party was hosted in a wine shop so we decided to splurge on a hotel room.  Unfortunately for us the hotel was not within walking distance.

We were tasked with picking up last minute food platters to bring to the party.  This was no big deal as we were only riding two deep in our 7 passenger family van and had plenty of room.  Craig would never admit this, but he didn’t know exactly where he was going.  He almost missed the turn which led him to slam on the brakes and make a hard left.  When he did this, the cargo went flying.

When we opened the rear door, the food was all over.  Some was salvageable.  Only second best for our friends and family.  The biggest problem was the container of ranch dressing that was all over the car.  The parking lot was dimly lit and I couldn’t see very well.  I did the best job I could cleaning with industrial paper towels.  It was going to need a shampoo, but I was dressed up and there was a party going on.  I would do it in the morning.

I had never been to a private party at this venue before so I wasn’t sure what the setup would be.  I thought it was lovely, but Craig was immediately disappointed.  There was no beer.  The only thing I could talk him into trying was Argyle Sparkling Wine.  The bubbles went right to his head.  Before I knew it, he ordered a bottle.  And another.  And another.  And another.

Craig is always the responsible party.  That night, we were drunk and drunker.

Our fast and furious consumption without aid of food absorption (I knew how dirty the back of my mini-van was) left us to crash and burn quickly.  We took a cab to our hotel.  Our romantic evening without the kids left me passed out on the bed with my clothes on to be awakened by a strange noise coming from the bathroom.  Upon further investigation it was a naked man in a dry bathtub hollering for “asss-ppp-irin“.  In case you were curious, it was Craig.

The next morning was really rough when we both woke up with very little will to live.  We arranged for transportation to go pick up our car at the wine shop before we realized Craig left his jacket there.  The keys were in the pocket.  The wine shop didn’t open again until Tuesday.  It was Sunday.  Neither one of us were in the shape to try and track someone down so we just caught a ride home.

It took everything I had not to throw up on that car ride.

After picking up our car two days later, I can now offer advice on how to get vomit smell out of any vehicle.  Just spill ranch dressing and don’t clean it up for two days.  Of course it might start the puking again.

Poppy

Poppy is a runner, writer, and mother of 3 children ranging in ages from 5 to 14. By day she's shuttling teenagers to the mall or someone to a birthday party in between Costco trips. She may not have had a pedicure in 5 years, but she still makes time for moms night out, girls nights in, or local PDX events with good friends. Recovery from fun nights out include a healthy lifestyle of marathon training, triathlon training, and lean eating. Parenthood can be messy, but Poppy always manages to find the funny under the snot.

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24 Responses to Aspirin Doesn’t Kill the Smell of Ranch Dressing
  1. Ali
    October 19, 2011 | 7:38 am

    Uggg. I can't even imagine that smell. Sounds like something that would happen to me. We've got crap all over the van. 99% of it is mysterious.

  2. Kristin
    October 19, 2011 | 7:40 am

    Yuck. I have a similar story about a cider celebration in New Zealand. I'm near certain I destroyed all the photo evidence.

  3. liz
    October 19, 2011 | 8:07 am

    WOW! Now that sounds like quite a weekend!

    Super yuck on the ranch dressing. I bet that was a lovely drive back home.

  4. Bridget
    October 19, 2011 | 9:04 am

    Sounds like a perfect night. You got drunk and didn't have to put out.

  5. Domesticated Gal
    October 19, 2011 | 9:04 am

    Our first night w/o the kids is New Years Eve for a wedding…I have a feeling your post? Is our playbook…

  6. angela
    October 19, 2011 | 9:55 am

    At least the naked guy was Craig?? (I'm a find the bright side person…)

  7. KLZ
    October 19, 2011 | 11:34 am

    I am shocked you even still wanted the car. David would have made me sell it.

    This type of reasoning is where our money goes, BTW.

  8. Mad Woman behind the Blog
    October 19, 2011 | 11:59 am

    See, stories like these, AND what I may or may not have seen at BlogHer makes me want to PARTAY with Y O U !!!

  9. Mama P
    October 19, 2011 | 3:40 pm

    Pregnant me is over here gagging at the thought of opening up your car after sitting out there for 2 days! Yuck! I'm with KLZ I would have wanted to sell the thing!

  10. Hopes@Staying Afloat!
    October 19, 2011 | 4:33 pm

    OH MAN! That sounds like one fun…wait I mean harsh…wait I mean fun…no, no I mean harsh weekend. I would totally want to sell the car after that kind of experience. *shudder*

  11. Megan -Best of Fates
    October 20, 2011 | 7:00 am

    Only second best is my motto too!

  12. julie gardner
    October 20, 2011 | 1:04 pm

    That was my favorite line, too.
    And I said it second.

    So.

  13. julie gardner
    October 20, 2011 | 1:11 pm

    Also, this reminded me of my friend Nadine's wedding in San Francisco back when Bill and I were still dating and in our twenties(AKA the glory days).

    They had a cash bar, but the Asti Spumante was free.
    Cheap bastards that we were, we drank a lot of it.

    After all, we were staying in the hotel.

    Bill ended up on the dance floor working his sweet moves with (seriously) salt and pepper shakers in his hands. Then, he approached my best friend Courtney and the dialogue went something like this:

    B – "You know Julie?"

    C – "Ummm…my best friend? Yeah. I know her"

    B – "I love the f'ing shit out of her."

    Too bad the poor guy passed out naked in the hotel room before reaping any rewards of his f'ing love.

    The next morning, all hung over and miserable, he told me we had to rally to go wine taste in Napa because his uncle was expecting us there at noon.

    So. I had to marry him.
    And we didn't serve Asti Spumanti at our wedding.

  14. The Flying Chalupa
    October 20, 2011 | 3:08 pm

    Bubbles, goddamn bubbles are always behind a mess like that.

    Do you still have this minivan? Because I'm nauseous just thinking about it.

  15. Sandra
    October 20, 2011 | 9:35 pm

    …awoke with very little will to live…it's those one-liners that make you my favourite…and make me a little scared to have a conversation with you, because I'd get stuck on those witty one-liners, and you'd be all, "Dude! YOu're so weird." And then we wouldnt' hang out anymore…ok, I have no idea where all of this came from. I must be having a particulartly vulnerable moment.

  16. Poppy
    October 21, 2011 | 5:09 am

    The thing about my one-liners?  They come 10 minutes after I'm talking to someone.  Usually.

  17. MommaKiss
    October 21, 2011 | 7:06 am

    Where's my damn comment?

  18. sparkling74
    October 21, 2011 | 12:31 pm

    I have an issue with ranch dressing to begin with. Now I think I have an more of an issue with it!!

  19. Tonya
    October 21, 2011 | 5:25 pm

    Ew.

    Ranch dressing smells like vomit to me, so that wouldn't work for me.

  20. Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
    October 21, 2011 | 8:00 pm

    Ranch dressing is supposed to be good on everything. Even rubber mats.

    This is why I figured you'd be bored as hell with me as your roommate.

  21. Poppy
    October 22, 2011 | 8:57 am

    I have had a kid Puke in the van and fermented ranch. I am campaigning hard for the Escalady!
    Poppy Marler
    http://www.funnyorsnot.com
    Twitter @funnyorsnot
    Sent from my phone – not responsible for autocorrect.

  22. Kate Coveny Hood
    October 22, 2011 | 4:55 pm

    Aw! It's like a funny college story – but about old, married people! Very Leaving Las Vegas (though they weren't married…just really drunk). Hilarious.

  23. Rachel
    October 24, 2011 | 9:33 pm

    This made me feel so much better about the last wedding I attended! I love your writing!

  24. LindySez
    November 1, 2011 | 1:33 pm

    I just read this, and too funny…I know exactly how you felt, wine is the worst for a hangover (other than tequila). Ranch dressing must be as bad a milk, rancid milk…

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