Hairy Back Removal
Bald Men have Hair Everywhere but their Heads
I’m not sure if there is an evolutionary theory that explains why bald men have such excessive hair everywhere but their heads. Do they let it grow wild because they CAN grow it on their backs, buttocks, and chest or does it actually serve a purpose? I have been accusing my husband of growing out one mother of a comb over from his back for years.
When I quit my job to stay home with our children, professional hair removal every six weeks was one of the first expenses trimmed from our household budget. Rather than go 70′s bush retro, I learned how to use microwave wax and cloth strips. I couldn’t get all up in my business, but I didn’t have two pom poms hanging out the side of my bikini either. A $10.00 kit would last the entire summer.
When I saw an at home version for hard wax which was the kind used at the salon I was really excited to try it out. I figured my husband’s thick beautiful mound of back hair would be an ideal place to start.
Hair Removal is Sexy
I have given birth without anesthesia, ran several marathons, and happily flipped my leg above my head in the name of being hair free for my hairy beast. As a show of good faith, I allowed him to wax me first.
Also, I wanted to drive home a misconception he seemed to have about the whole process. You see, every time I’d come home from the salon, he’d ask me the same question. Not “did it hurt?” or “how much did it cost?”, but “was she hot?”
Because that is exactly what I’m thinking when I’m spread eagle on the table. ”This chick that is about to rip out my hair is so damn hot that I will become a situational lesbian just to report the dirty details to my husband.” He needed to see first hand just how unsexy this hair removal business was.
I instructed him to paint a small thin strip on my most sensitive area. He was still in the mode that this was play time so he painted that shit on masterfully. Unfortunately it was about six inches through peaks and valleys that in no way would come off in one quick tug.
I read the viral post about the woman who glued her ass together in the bathtub with Nair strips. I’ve used Nair strips. Nair strips is to hard wax as Elmers is to Super. I’d roll around naked in tar and feathers to avoid what happened next.
I could have done a wall shadow puppet show with the various ways in which I origamied my labia together in an attempt to remove the wax with oil, water, and an Exacto knife. Craig was no longer in my circle of trust.
After I finally got most of the wax removed, it was time to reciprocate. Then the backpedaling began. At first he said I could do his entire hairy back and shoulders. After I did the first itty bitty strip of wax on his hairy back, he started stroking his own nipples and mouthing “mama.” Whenever I tried to get to a better working angle I was reminded that I was stuck to my own panties by my remaining pubic hairs and residual wax.
I didn’t have a whole lot of sympathy as my husband begged for mercy. I was relentless. He reasoned the skin on his back was way more tender than my leathery old Sanjaya. The only think that saved him was running out of wax. Sally Hansen really needs a super-size product for men with hairy backs, like my husband, who need Johnson & Johnson’s Detangler for their knuckles.
I wasn’t sure if it would take longer to heat the replacement can of wax or the color to return to his face. Either way, my hairy husband now understood that once the wax was on, there is only one way off.
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