Hairy Back Removal
Bald Men have Hair Everywhere but their Heads
I’m not sure if there is an evolutionary theory that explains why bald men have such excessive hair everywhere but their heads. Do they let it grow wild because they CAN grow it on their backs, buttocks, and chest or does it actually serve a purpose? I have been accusing my husband of growing out one mother of a comb over from his back for years.
When I quit my job to stay home with our children, professional hair removal every six weeks was one of the first expenses trimmed from our household budget. Rather than go 70′s bush retro, I learned how to use microwave wax and cloth strips. I couldn’t get all up in my business, but I didn’t have two pom poms hanging out the side of my bikini either. A $10.00 kit would last the entire summer.
When I saw an at home version for hard wax which was the kind used at the salon I was really excited to try it out. I figured my husband’s thick beautiful mound of back hair would be an ideal place to start.
Hair Removal is Sexy
I have given birth without anesthesia, ran several marathons, and happily flipped my leg above my head in the name of being hair free for my hairy beast. As a show of good faith, I allowed him to wax me first.
Also, I wanted to drive home a misconception he seemed to have about the whole process. You see, every time I’d come home from the salon, he’d ask me the same question. Not “did it hurt?” or “how much did it cost?”, but “was she hot?”
Because that is exactly what I’m thinking when I’m spread eagle on the table. ”This chick that is about to rip out my hair is so damn hot that I will become a situational lesbian just to report the dirty details to my husband.” He needed to see first hand just how unsexy this hair removal business was.
I instructed him to paint a small thin strip on my most sensitive area. He was still in the mode that this was play time so he painted that shit on masterfully. Unfortunately it was about six inches through peaks and valleys that in no way would come off in one quick tug.
I read the viral post about the woman who glued her ass together in the bathtub with Nair strips. I’ve used Nair strips. Nair strips is to hard wax as Elmers is to Super. I’d roll around naked in tar and feathers to avoid what happened next.
I could have done a wall shadow puppet show with the various ways in which I origamied my labia together in an attempt to remove the wax with oil, water, and an Exacto knife. Craig was no longer in my circle of trust.
After I finally got most of the wax removed, it was time to reciprocate. Then the backpedaling began. At first he said I could do his entire hairy back and shoulders. After I did the first itty bitty strip of wax on his hairy back, he started stroking his own nipples and mouthing “mama.” Whenever I tried to get to a better working angle I was reminded that I was stuck to my own panties by my remaining pubic hairs and residual wax.
I didn’t have a whole lot of sympathy as my husband begged for mercy. I was relentless. He reasoned the skin on his back was way more tender than my leathery old Sanjaya. The only think that saved him was running out of wax. Sally Hansen really needs a super-size product for men with hairy backs, like my husband, who need Johnson & Johnson’s Detangler for their knuckles.
I wasn’t sure if it would take longer to heat the replacement can of wax or the color to return to his face. Either way, my hairy husband now understood that once the wax was on, there is only one way off.
Poppy
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Funniest. Post. Ever. Laughing my head off and I read it to Ken. (though as a hairy guy I'm pretty sure he's on Craig's side)
I've been thinking about waxing at home. I can never seem to get myself organized to get it done. And those pompoms you mentioned.
I might give it a try but I'll skip the assistant.
But WHERE is the picture?! I'd love to see Craig's partially waxed back!
And I know you said before that you had great success with the home kits. I really need to try it.
Normal reaction to pain in the nether regions is to snap the legs together. Now is the perfect time to convince him to let you buy the Tria. That laser can hurt, but there would be no worries about wax debris.
Ack! I'm still shuddering over "exacto knife".
I don't care what they say, men are wusses when it comes to pain. If they were in charge of giving birth, our species would have died out a long time ago.
OMG so hysterical! I have never been waxed and I guess I don't worry a lot about nether regions. I just use scissors and a razor and call it a day. But k-ster always thinks it would be "really hot" to help me shave or trim various words or pictures into it. I love that you let Craig help and then he discovered how very hot it was not! Permanent wax stuck to yourself that then glues your underwear to yourself? Torture but HYSTERICAL for the reader!! Good thing this was AFTER the marathon, huh????
Too funny. I loved it. I especially loved the "was she hot" question. I think Craig and Brian would get along just fine with their hairy shoulders…and boy brains.
What a baby. In the words of my daughter I would tell him to "man up" and let you finish his back.
Too funny. So does that mean you won't be buying this product again? Or will you just not let him help. This reminded me of the waxing scene from "40 Year Old Virgin." Too freaking funny.
There is nothing *simple* about wax for men or women, but it can be laugh out loud funny. Where's the pic?!
Sanjaya?
Sanjaya?
Okay. THAT is the funniest term I've ever heard.
If it's gone the rounds and I missed it, shame on me.
But I love you for using it.
I'd even help you with the stuck together labia.
(but it would not be hot, Craig.
well. maybe a little.)
This reminded me of the scene from 40 Year Old Virgin. And I think this should have a picture of a half waxed back
So funny. Men are total wimps. They have NO idea what we put ourselves through for the sake of beauty.
The wax/errant hair/panty thing: TOTALLY SUCKS.
And you want to talk about babies? Adonis has like THREE long hairs on his back and he screams bloody murder if I even tug on one.
But Sanjaya…OMG!
Also: love me some Julie.
I'm pretty sure Newton missed the "Conservation of Hair" law when he was developing the law's of physics. The adult male has a consistent amount of hair…as it leaves one area, it develops in others. The aversion to fighting this via shaving/waxing goes back to a Neanderthal instinct that violating the laws of physics is "bad."
I have the most annoying patch of hair in the small of my back (my shoulders are relatively bare) that I keep on thinking that I should "take care of," but I cannot imagine the itching…I mean, I know how itchy certain, um, easily accessible, parts are when I've left the razor behind for a day or two. That part of your back that you can't really reach sounds like it would be torture.
Oragamied your labia? I can't even handle this.
Also that stray hair in a liner is one bitch. I've never had a bikini wax before. I know, I'm such a hippie. I tend to my own bush whacking. Am I missing out?
Considering you can't move your back, I'd leave it to the professionals. DON'T trust your husband!
Definitely the advantage of waxing. NO itching. After Craig helped, the bleeding kind of sucked.
Exactly, it's not like I was going for the testicle festival either!
Only 3? You are a lucky woman. I can see 3 coming out of Craig's nose from 100 feet away. I've got a big old girl crush on Julie too. Don't tell Craig because he will get all turned on and shit, but I think she is totally hot.
I think Sanjaya is indigenous to my family. My daughter came up with that when she was potty training during the season that kid was on American Idol. We've been using it ever since even though I've been trying to make it go viral for years.
The only picture taken was of me trying to scrape it off my own parts and then I banned the camera. Trust me, no one wanted to see that!
Big baby is right! My enjoyment level over the whole situation probably wasn't helping. I was laughing so hard I was crying.
No, definitely not hot. There are some things a person should just do themselves. And really, I'm starting to think I should just color the pom poms to match my swimsuit.
Yep. Total wuss who now has random patches of back hair. I'm one lucky lucky lady.
I need the scoop from you on that. Did it really work? I can handle the pain, I'm just not keen on having my underwear stuck to me.
No pictures. He took one porno picture of me in a compromising position which irritated me so I banned the camera. I want to do a post in which I compare our Craig's. Metro VS neanderthal if he ever lets me snap a picture of the jungle. Can I use your Craig's shower shaving picture?
Hairy guys unite! Basic waxing at home is actually pretty easy and not too bad on the pain scale (unless you have testicles).
Really, no itching, even if you go a week? I might have to look into waxing, strange as that sounds.
Sent from a mobile device, please excuse any typos.
On Jul 2, 2011, at 11:17 AM, Poppy <funnyorsnot@gmail.com> wrote:
Definitely the advantage of waxing. NO itching. After Craig helped, the bleeding kind of sucked.
I would be scared to have my husband help with waxing- he would give up and then I'd have to do it myself… and then I'd cry.
I have a cousin who got electrolosis(um, I know that is spelled wrong and may even be the wrong term??? Lasered off all his body hair, except for what is on his head). Totally weird, though, right? Male cousin.
This has already been said, but what the hell: VIDEO! VIDEO!
On another note, I was laughing so hard at the part where you gave us a very vivid description of your labia being glued together and your attempts to pry it apart with an exacto knife.
And that right there is why I consider you MY best bloggy friend! Anyone who can get me to laugh so hard that I actually wipe tears, will have to put up with me till death…either mine or yours…however, if you continue with the wax treatment, and the necessity of the exacto knife, yours may be first.
SWEET FKN CHRIST, leathery old Sanjaya??? My god, I've been laughing about this since first reading. Took me ages to get off my ass and comment.
My girl, who waxes my non leathery young Santana also does her husband's back. I'd love to be in on that session, not gonna lie. Just for the yelps and cries I'd hear.
did i go to spam.
WTF????
Oh my goodness! this was absolutely hilarious! I've never gathered up the courage to waking the nether regions…but honestly, this post almost made it sound plausible. Well, except for the husband helping part. I think that would scar my hubby for life. When I was pregnant I had to threaten no sex for him to even trim me down there…
Wow! I tried to wax my husband's back one time. I demonstrated how I could easily pull a strip of wax & pubes off my Sanjaya without crying or fainting, so he allowed me to try one small strip on his back. You would have thought I stabbed him or pressed the iron on his back.
Even though I explained to k-ster that this is exactly what I mean when I try to tell him that there is nothing hot about grooming, he still thinks that he would be better than your husband and wouldn't wax me closed. MEN.
Ya, I think I got a hall pass from sex for at least a week or two. The aftermath was almost uglier than the episiotomy.
No? I guess this is just something the two of you will have to discover for yourselves, but I recommend you wax him first. Go for the scrotum first and then he might leave you the hell alone.
This is the second time I've read this, but I was on my phone the first time and couldn't comment. And was nearly escorted out of the grocery store for cackling wildly in the dairy section.
I love that you Sally Hansen'd Craig. I want to do a sneak rip on G's one patch of back hair.
This was a classic.
THis was a classic.
You should link this post somewhere at the top, and say, "not sure if you want to commit to an RSS feed? Sample this…"
Voila.
How did I miss this post?
I refuse to take part in any sort of wax-related hair removal, because I am a dainty flower. So thank you for sharing this hilarious story, so that I can live vicariously through you.
OMG, OMG, OMG…
First, I feel your pain.
Second, I envy that you can blog like this. My husband’s ex follows my blog, so I’m kinda careful about what goes up, especially pertaining to my 16-going-on-50 step-daughter. *sigh*
Third, I couldn’t help BUT follow you, and am loving the hell out of your posts.
Thank you for the giggles and the smiles!
LOVE IT. You are officially my first person I found really really wanna meet at BlogHer.
This design is steller! You most certainly know how
to keep a reader amused. Between your wit and your videos,
I was almost moved to start my own blog (well, almost.
..HaHa!) Fantastic job. I really loved what you had
to say, and more than that, how you presented it.
Too cool!