I've been blogging, for a while now. Over a year actually. I've seen others bloggers celebrate milestones with quite a bit of fanfare, but I have been such a half ass blogger that I have never really quite felt worthy. I haven't followed many of the traditional rules, advice, and to be honest, effort, that it takes to grow a successful blog. Some weeks I feel more motivated than others. One thing I have sort of overlooked is the guest blogging thing. I've never hosted a guest blogger. Before today.
My first guest blogger is one of my favorite people in the blogosphere. If she's not in your inbox or on the twat, she is beating you to the punchline in the comments section on your favorite blog. She is supportive, genuine, and funny as hell. I'm so glad she is gracing my little bitty blog with her presence and I'll use the free time to take a PTA* bath.
DONKEYKICK MOMMAKISS STYLE
Well hi there. I’m MommaKiss. Don’t know me? Dayum, you’ve been missing out.
I’m totally kidding.You're not missing anything.
But since I’ve been blessed with the keys to the FunnyOrSnot mansion today – I need to talk myself up, ya know? Make it look like I’m super high klass and all that. Poppy is high klass, people.
Aside – does anyone else type poopy every time they try to type poppy? Just me?
So back to me. I blog semi-anonymously in that I don’t write with real names, I use “ish” locations and rarely show pictures. This one was good though – I can share this one:
My husband doesn’t know I still blog. I love it that way. Most family doesn’t know either. Which means I can talk about them. Candidly. And I do. I once wrote a post where I called my only sister a c-bagtwatwaffle. Come to think of it, if she read the blog, I wouldn’t mind. She should be told that once in a while. Anyway. I use the blog to share funny stories, vent and basically display general dumbfuckery. I’m convinced this is how I found myself friends with Poppy. I mean, who doesn’t love general dumbfuckery more than her? No one.
I was rumbling through my little brain as to what to write for her here and decided I’d go with a list. You can never go wrong with a list.
I give you – The MommaKiss list of Shit that Makes Me Want to Donkey Kick You:
1. Asking me to host a party for you. You know the party. The pyramid product party. I host for you, try to sell your shit to my friends, you make money if I sell your shit. Back in the day we had Tupperware and Avon. And women actually pimped their product on their own, hard core. Now it’s arbonne, candles, jewelry, purses. Hey – if this is currently working for you? Go you. I hope you make millions – but don’t ask me to try to con my friends into buying it.
2. Texting me to pick up Chuckie because you’re at the spa and running late. Seriously? I don’t like your kid anyway, not to mention you’d never return the favor. I finally decided to take a stand and that time you were at the spa, my own kid had “the runs.” Hope you had to run out with a wet pedicure and it smudged while you punted Chuckie into your bus.
3. Offering me work life balance advice. Just shut the hell up. You’re not balancing every ball either, with your husband out every night for “work” (with the hot blond from the gym). You’re just as stressed as me. Just shut the pie hole and listen, would ya? I don’t need a solution, I need an ear and a refill.
4. Suggesting our kids get together on a Saturday morning for a play date, and then you suddenly have to run out for a quick errand, leaving me with your kids for 3 hours. I mean seriously. You get 2 donkey kicks for that. One’s going to the neck.
5.Whale tail. Enough said.
OK – I think I’ve left you with just the right dose of MommaKiss. Don’t get me wrong, I’m FAR from perfect, I wholeheartedly embrace my imperfection. If you disagree with any of the above, my e-mail is dumbfuckerydonkeykicks@noemail.com Feel free to use it to share your discontent!
Thanks for having me Poppy. Can’t wait to smack that ass in July.
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Stay tuned for more information about our ass smacking adventure in July. Do you think we'll get along? If you don't already make sure you check out MK at her place:
Blog – http://www.mommakiss.blogspot.com/
and follow her on Twitter – @Mommakiss
*PTA bath – If you don't know what a PTA bath is, you should definitely follow Mommakiss. You will never look at those three letters the same again.
I've been using "Flux Capacitor" for Whale Tale . . . seems appropriately geeky to me. What's odd is that the worst perpetrator that I know of is the principal violist in my symphony…far from the place you'd expect a whale sighting.
I had to re-read the "poopy / poppy" sentence a few times because I didn't notice any difference. Just typing that, well, yeah, I type poopy a lot more freely than poppy.
My wife's uncle has a mini Amway empire. He's a fucktard douchenozzle bastard. I really think these pyramid schemes kill friend & family relationships faster and more thoroughly than affairs.
Having heard tell of your sister, she is a c-bagtwatwaffle
I don't really work and hate all balance related discussion. Shut up already.
Poppt- I love your anti-traditional blogging rules, I hope to follow in your footsteps.
Asking me to host a party? That definitely deserves a donkeykick!
I so love you both. But you already know that. And can I just saw how JEALOUS I am that MommaKiss got to guest post over here before me?!
But my post would've been nowhere near as good, so you made the right choice
I'm feeling a little betrayed. Cheated on. Seething with jealousy.
But because I love both Poopy and my PTA bathing blogsbian lover, I will not stand in the way of your little affair.
And maybe, just maybe, there will be a Poppy/MadWoman/MK sandwich in my future.
Do you know they teach the girls donkey kicks at gymnastics? No joke. You gotta go "Ahh-oooh" when you do it.
I think Poppy should be kissing some serious Momma K ass for a full face shot.
WTH, MK?!?!?! FULL FRONTAL NUDITY!!!! I was so not ready for this…
And ahhh, the PTA shower – I remember that post well.
Ok, I finally recovered from that and actually read the post.
Judging by the people who need a donkeykick, it appears you need new "friends."
"A full face shot", Liz? Really? You have GOT to start reading comments through before you publish. Disgusting. Really disgusting. Thanks a lot.
Which reminds me….uh, nevermind.
Anyway, those "parties"? Make me want to kill myself. Worst thing about the suburbs, by far.
Oh, these would all irritate me.
But, really- I HATE those parties. I don't even like to be invited as a guest, let alone have to host one.
I freaking hate when I am nice enough to go to someone's jewelry party/pyramid scheme/rip me off with poorly made shit party and then they try to guilt you into hosting one! I went to a jewelry party (Lia Sophia) for my aunt and the rep had a game where you pulled a piece of candy out of a box whatever the candy had written on it, like a discount, you got it. Then she had a few that had party on them. I pulled one to be nice and it said party. She said, well now you have to have one. I wanted to donkey-kick her right there!
finally I'm on a damn computer where I can use your dumbfuck comment system. Jeesh, Poppy, Why be all soFISTicated and shit with the comments?
ANYWAY.
Thank you. For loving me like no other.
Thank you, also, for saving me from having to spoon some random crazy lady for two nights.
Wait.
I don't think I win in this situation.
#you'recrazytoo
#loveyoumore
#cutyourdamntoenailsbyJuly
haha LOVE IT!
I never type poopy when I'm meaning to type Poppy, but every time I looked at the title of this blog I thought it said Donkeydick. Mainly, that's why I read it.
Back when I deleted all the blogs from my reader, I never got back on the mommakiss wagon – simple error of omission. I've been missing out, haven't I? Time to rectify.
#1- You are both pretty kickass.
#2- I wish I hadnt told my mother I blog because the source of most of my major issues is her, and I cant bitch about her. Good call.
#3- I just had an argument WITH my mother about those stupid pyramid parties and how I dont want any part of "begging" people I know to feel obligated to buy random crap.
Your post hit home. lol.
Oh. See I am perfect so I totally can't relate to any of these.
Shuddup! What? Why are you laughing?
Anyway, Mommaliciouskiss, so glad I got to see that face, I so knew I'd want to make out with you.
You, me, and Poppy: threesome. Your great face. Her scrumptious ass. A date?
I've been trying to score a playdate with Mrs. Kiss for a while now.. 'cause we live sorta near each other.
And I was totally gonna ditch her and leave her with my Deaf kid and his Muppet sister while I went to an all day Porn theater.
MommaKiss, you are crazy! I loved this and I am SO with you on the pyramid party deal. Ahhhh!!! I love Poopy, too, I mean Poppy. Poppy, I really do love your name. It is unique and sounds so cheerful. You are always cheerful, right? Right?
for fuck's sake, i love you people. killin me over here.
Enough of a dose of MK?
Never.
Also?
Wasn't ready for the full monty.
I think you're going to change your mind about pyramid schemes when I give you my beanie baby pitch at BBC. It's going to blow the doors open on your whole life. You're going to sell not one beanie baby, but entire phylums of beanies. Genuses, species, KINGDOMS.
(Need an ear and a refill, love it)
Had to come back AGAIN to say:
who doesn't love MK??