Annoying Dog Story
Before Hank fractured his elbow on Saturday night, my weekend had already been off to a craptastic start.
We have a dog. He can be annoying, but he really isn’t destructive so I’ve allowed him to live with us for more than two years. Aside from the one time he rooted around in the guest powder room trash to find a discarded feminine hygiene product to mortify a menstruating dinner guest, his antics have mostly been benign. Until Friday.
Annoying Dog is now on my Shit List
I was in full mini-van mom assault mode. Maren had a friend over, Sophie needed picked up from an after school activity, and I needed to stop at the store and get more Pull-Ups before we were expected for dinner at Craig’s brothers. I was short on time but afraid for Hank’s safety if we played one more round of “Let’s see how many times a night I can piss the bed.”
Somehow in my haste of trying to herd cats into the car, the annoying dog jumped in too which wasn’t ideal. I tried to leave the kids in the car with Sophie when we got to the store, but she wasn’t going for it. I don’t really blame her, they were a little amped up. So I drug the whole motley crew inside minus the dog. I didn’t think much of it, I would be quick.
Right. The mission to get Pull-Ups took 30 minutes because we were sidelined by a couple of bathroom breaks, a tantrum, and a whole lot of other things I was talked into buying. When we finally got back to the car, I opened the automatic side door for the kids to get in (STFU it’s convenient) and I threw my purchases in the back.
Dog Shit All Over the Car
I kind of heard moans and groans from the kids. They said it smelled like a dog inside the car.
I got in.
Um, it didn’t smell like dog inside the car. It smelled like dog shit. And each one of them stepped right through it on their way to their respective seats.
The two girls, ages 6 and 7, were beyond dramatic and grabbed tissues to cover their offended noses while Hank just said”ewww” and emitted a Beavis like chuckle.
I was left to try and find the source, where it was tracked, and whose shoes it remained on. I grabbed the annoying dog and handed him to my 12 year old in the front seat. I emptied the groceries in the trunk and used the plastic bag to dispose of the mess. The girls were still shrieking and kept getting up to retrieve additional tissues to fend off of the horrendous odor and each time tracking more shit about the car. In the meantime, Sophie forgot she was holding the dog who then leapt in the backseat and tracked through it some more.
At which point I pretty much decided I was fucked. I drove across the parking lot to the carwash to use the carpet shampooer. Lucky for me, it was in use. Everyone had calmed down a bit and I attempted to scrub the mess with babywipes while we waited our turn.
Then Maren realized why the odor was so strong in the back of the car. It was all over her leg and her carseat.
The refreak began.
She jumped up and got it on the seat in front of her. She tried to wipe it off with her brother’s wool coat. At this point I had enough.
I became THAT mom. The swearing in front of other people’s children mom. Sorry Amy.
“I don’t care if you have dog shit on you. Sit down, put your seatbelts on, and be quiet. I don’t want to hear another goddamn word out of a kid until we get home.”
I still scare my oldeset. Maren and her friend started whispering to each other 30 seconds after I lost it. They weren’t scared of me a bit. Neither was my dog. My dog should be, he had just committed strike 2.
Annoying Husband on my Dog Shit List, Too
I drove with the windows down all the way home. In order to be on time for dinner at my brother in laws, we needed to leave in 5 minutes. My husband had just gotten home from work and was getting ready himself. I sent Maren to the shower and suited up hazmat style to clean the van.
I admit I wasn’t in the greatest mood, but when my husband said “at least you’ll have something to blog about” and “I guess we should just take the truck and you can meet us over there…or not”, I wanted to throw the shit bag at him. It’s a good thing I calmed down because the other topic I was mulling around for today was Cocksuckers Who Leave Their Wives To Clean Up Shit While They Go Over To Their Brothers For Dinner.
Poppy
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This is both ridiculously awful and hysterically funny all at once!
Shame, shame, Craig.
Ok, so no more #poorcraig tweets for a good long while.
HA! I think your other topic you mulled over was WAY more hysterical. Ok, ok, while the actual events that gave us this blogpost truly sucked teh big one, you did do a bang up job writing about it. I myself MAY have died if there were dog poo all over my car and my children. DIED I tell you. I freaking hate dogs.
HA!! sorry to laugh but well its funny .. only because ive been through it. ok i lied it would be funny even if i hadnt!
I hope you got all the dig shit cleaned up!!!!
Poppy, too funny, and either title would have work…been left by my cocksucker in the exact same way ("but it makes me gag") yeah, right, and I LOVE to clean up shit…
Your freak out totally didn't scare Kaylin at all. Apparently she is used me screaming and yelling. No need to worry about her being scarred for life…BUT she did ask me if I really gave Craig permission to whip her. She has the fear of Craig. I will be putting his number on speed dial.
Oh, Poppy – I'm laughing so much I'm tearing . . . yet, I've been there, too. Well, not with the kids, and with the kids from other parents.
I was driving my dog home from central PA to my home in MD – a 2 hour drive. During his time in central PA, he managed to ingest a large quantity of Vaseline…a quick call to the animal doc showed that there wasn't any real danger from eating Vaseline (stupid dog) so we went home.
Only, about 1/2 way into the trip, the Vaseline started working its way through my lil' pup's system. "Smells like dog," in a little Chevy Malibu.
When I ended up selling the car, I blamed the stain on an exploded coke bottle, and never told anybody why I developed a sudden appreciation of air fresheners.
That weekend, he chewed through about $800 of computer parts…
He's embarrassed my wife during "that time" on several occasions. Damn dog must simply keep fouling off strike three.
dude. you should get a medal for not killing hat dog, your children, or your husband. just sayin.
You've got a friend's kid who thinks Craig can whip them? Poppy, I want to steal your friends.
I think all wives should have a shit bag that they can throw at their husbands as needed. Hold on to that one for next time.
I suppose it isn't helpful to mention that the whole time I was reading I was thinking- well, at least you can blog about it.
I wouldn't think that if it happened to me however.
Sounds like you had a really shitty time. Serves you right for driving a van…kidding. No one deserves dog fecal matter slathered anywhere unless your name begins with a C and ends is raig.
When I was three we got a dog. A beagle.
I barely remember this dog.
That's because he lived with us for a bout four days.
One morning, waking up before my parents, I let the dog out of the laundry room and in the process, walked through dog shit in my footie pajamas, then tracked it through the house.
Like I said, four days. My mother didn't believe in strikes.
Oh, Craig. He dodge a bullet.
The fact that the dog is still with you is a testament to your forgiveness, because I would have accidentally left the dog at the carwash.
Ugh. So gross.
Yep – I'm with Pop…no more #poorcraigtweets. Tell him he's on all of our shit lists.
OH MY GOD. If that had been Maui, I would have left her and the car in that parking lot. Unfortunately, she'd figure out how to fire up the engine and drive back to our house, using a blinker and everything.
That is just not good at all. And Greg says the same thing all the time, 'something to blog about…" Fucker.