Back Off Badge Bunny

Dear Pam,

Our paths have crossed before.  I even like you.  Under different circumstances we might even be friends.  Your nephew Corey and his wife Amy are two of my favorite people so I’m taking a gamble by calling you out, but I have to protect what’s mine.

And this guy, Aunt Pam, is all mine. 

I was content to spend my New Years Eve in my fat pants on my own couch when we got this awesome invitation from Corey and Amy of Salmon Fest Fame.

“If You’re Losers Like Us, Come Over For New Years” 

Had I known you and your posse couldn’t turn down such a gracious invitation either, I would never have talked Craig into going with me.  As you know, he had to work early the next morning.

It all started off innocently enough.  Craig can be charming.  I certainly wasn’t expecting to lose my bra somewhere in the Portland Rose Gardens when I met him.  I know he was throwing around words that were getting you all hot and bothered like “hostage situation” and “swat call out”, but the way you swooned when you felt his “gun” was just too much.

You were giggling like a schoolgirl when you asked him if he worked out. 

Please.

He may be a moose that can pick up a the front end of a VW bug or move my treadmill up and down the stairs unassisted a dozen times, but he never gets on it and if he had to run after a bad guy he’d likely hop in his patrol car to do so.

And you.  Tempting him with your promise of cream filled treats and letting him look under your hood.  I've got one word for you.

Don’t think I didn’t notice that you brought your entourage with you to the party, Julie and Linda. Even hussies need back up. 

Julie has felt my husband up before and claimed it to be accidental.  She said she thought it was another short bald man’s ass she was grabbing.  No H8 Julie.  All bald men do not look alike.  Personally, I think she was testing out the goods for you.  If you and Julie wanted to tag team him, all you had to do was ask.  I would have gladly signed that permission slip as he has been trying to talk me into that kinky shit for 10 years and I keep turning him down.  It could have been my Valentine’s Day gift to him which would easily translate into a spa day for me.  Win-Win for all of us.

Don’t get me started with Linda.  I’m pretty sure you had her try to take me out for you two summers ago.  I chalked it up to old fashioned inebriation and 15 shots of Patron, but her ice throwing antics were meant to knock me out so you could get to my husband.  I may have suffered a mild concussion at her hands, but I never did lose consciousness. 

I’m just thankful that Craig was called out to work before midnight because the ball drop could have been an uncomfortable situation.

When Craig was leaving and said “Goodbye ladies, duty calls” and you called after him to “stay safe out there” I rolled my eyes.

I didn’t have the heart to dime him out and burst your bubble.  While Craig does have a swat pager and responds to calls out , he is a part of the hostage negotiation team.  He sits in a warm van and does what he does best.  Turns on the charm and most likely tells inappropriate jokes.

I’m hoping this little tidbit lowers your thermostat.  This is a warning really.  You may be woman enough to take my man, but I’m pretty sure you would give him back.

If you’re truly interested in a “gun” show, I’d recommend the Portland Gun Show at the Expo Center June 8th-9th, it comes with far less baggage than a crazy ass wife and 3 below average kids.

Regards,

Poppy