Almost Late for The Wedding
Last Sunday, Craig and I were almost late for the the wedding of his second cousin. I’m not sure how we made the guest list since it was a pretty intimate celebration and I have only met the bride a couple of times. Craig also didn’t know how to spell her name when I was looking up her registry online, but as we’ve established that doesn’t mean he hasn’t slept with her.
The wedding was at 3:00 on a Sunday which was obviously code for eat first and BYOB, but we showed up hungry and sober because we were late. I take responsibility for being late to the wedding because I never give myself enough buffer time for things like letting my nails dry or dressing my husband. Craig may only take 30 seconds to get ready, but if I haven’t picked out and ironed a shirt for him to wear, he will wear his best pocket T.
Somehow I lost track of time and it was 1:45. We needed to leave our house no later than 2:00. The kids were still napping, Craig still needed to shower and I had just gotten out. In Craig’s defense, he is always on time and thought the wedding started at 3:30. I started panicking and barking orders when I realized we were running so late.
After an expletive laden shower, Craig got dressed and assisted getting the kiddos ready while I threw on my make-up. In order to save time and avoid getting make-up on my dress, I asked Craig to help me put it on over my head.
This is the part of a horror movie where you scream at the girl that gets axed in the first scene, you moron because you can see already that this is going to end badly.
On the first try, he put my head through the side zipper of my dress. If I weren’t so late, I would have taken pictures because even panicked, it was kind of funny.
The hard part was getting my head out of the side zipper without further messing up my make-up and getting on the dress which is why I requested the personal dresser in the first place.
I started to get agitated, but tried to remain calm because I needed his help to get out and I felt claustrophobic. He kept claiming innocently repeating, “I didn’t know.”
Seriously, he didn’t know that my head didn’t go through the SIDE OF THE DRESS? This is a picture of the dress. I have sex with this man on a semi-regular basis and his hole confusion was a bit disconcerting.
Attempt two was a tag team effort in which I was feeling really rushed because we were already late for the wedding if we would have left 5 minutes ago and now I had to fix my make-up. I grabbed the dress and told him where to hold it and where my head went. I take no responsibility, but somehow my fat head ended up through the armhole instead of the head hole. No wonder this voodoo dress was on sale.
At this point I was sweating, beyond late for the wedding, and I was ready to go naked.
Finally, on the third attempt, the right limbs went in the right holes. Miraculously, without a trace of make-up on the dress at least. My face didn’t fare so well.
The red lipstick I was wearing was now streaked across my face from lip to cheekbone. You don’t get a mulligan with red lipstick either. It’s a one shot deal. I also had no time. I assessed the damage in the car and did the best and just decided lipstick a full inch above my lip line was just going to have to work for me.
Then I looked over at Craig who didn’t escape unscathed. He had a wad of toilet paper hanging out of his ear and then I had a flashback to all the swearing I heard earlier that was coming from the shower.
Look, he’s sweaty! Dressing me is tough work.
Made it to the Wedding
We were running so late for the wedding, we talked my folks into meeting us in the parking lot so we could ditch the kids in time to sneak in the back before the ceremony started.
My expectations for a Sunday afternoon wedding weren’t high in the first place. The ceremony was lovely, but I was hoping for at least a no-host bar or a swig of cough medicine. If it were a wedding on my side of the family, things are immediately calming after you get your contact high from giving your requisite hugs hello.
At least the ceremony was short and sweet. Lasting less time than I was stuck in the armpit of my dress.
Poppy
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Great post! I was laughing so hard. Never knew it was that hard to put on a sleeveless dress but if it had sleeves it may have helped the hubby find his way. Head goes between two long arm tubes of cloth.
It's always good to have evidence that your husband is not crossdressing in your absence.
We feel this way about our oldest son, who clearly cannot use a lighter.
People think he's trying to fool us, but 1) we did too much of that on our own to not spot a faker, and 2)He nearly ignited his own hand, and I don't think ANYONE wants to fool their parents that badly.
Just a minute…your kids nap?!? Both of them?
I'm disappointed. Head stuck in arm hole is epic, definitely worth a few minutes to capture on film.
When I found out it was a completely dry wedding, I really wished I would have taken those extra few minutes. Geesh
Thank you for the laugh. I laughed and laughed.
I have a bald husband who has sliced open parts of his dome during routine maintenance, and boy — who knew that the ear was such a bleeder? (I do, now. So does he.)
Tell Craig that I like his style, lookin' pimp while rollin' in the swagger wagon. He looks hot (literally, with all those beads of sweat)!
I still don't know if he was screwing with me, but I'm not taking any chances. I'll dress myself from now on.
I don't want that little pea head of his to explode.
I know the routine all too well and when Craig uses my razor, he has a custom tp afro toupe.
Yep, even my 6 year old on the weekends. Full time school is kicking her ass.
If he's faking it, he is clearly more dedicated than I ever was.
That is freakin hilarious. Getting ready for a wedding is rarely more eventful then the wedding itself…
so many things to comment on!
maybe the wedding was so intimate because they don't have any friends? ba dum ch
I'm really disappointed you didn't take any photos of the dress fiasco. you should have taken that moment and realized that blog fodder is far more important than wedding punctuality.
and now we all know: put the lipstick on in the car!
love your face.
you're hot, but what the fuck is up with the toilet paper in the ear??
This would have made a perfect vlog, if only you had time to set the camera up!! I'm cracking up here, picturing your head coming out your armpit. But hey, what a hot dress and love the red nails! You clean up nicely, Poppy.
Hope you got some cough syrup, at least.
Oh, Poppy! This is so good! This makes me happy and fulfilled, yet missing my beloved Poppy all at the same time.
You're addicting, you know.
I was laughing hard as I read this. And you two ARE quite a pair.
Who the hell has a dry wedding?!?!
I've always found Sunday weddings to be a major bummer. But you did it! You got there! And survived!
And Craig got the hole right at least twice. So that's a plus?
I second Liz on this one. What the what?! A dry wedding. I've never heard of such an awful idea.
But you look great and you are, as usual, hilarious. And I can totally relate to the panicking, sweating, and barking orders. That seems to be protocol for us when we're trying get out the door.
I have found that guys don't care which hole they get, as long as they get one. Careless, really.
You tell a story so well.
The imagery of this comedy of erros was just priceless. I'm only slightly 'pissed" that you didn't bother to take a pic of your heard through the arm hole. I mean really!!!
So glad you were able to finally make it in one piece. And you're right…red lipstick is QUITE a committment. A committment I have never been able to make. I have issues. Way to rock the red…even if it WAS partly on your face.
this is why i kind of hate getting dressed in anything besides the yoga wear you mentioned. yoga wear is ALWAYS your friend. even with makeup. it's all 'pardon me, newly applied and still wet mascara. i'll just move this way lest i smear you.' did i mention yoga wear is also very polite. not to mention, forgiving–in more ways than one.
awesome post–this is my first visit. i'll be stalking you now.
Maybe Craig was going for degree of difficulty by fitting your head in the smaller hole?
OMG Poppy, this was too funny. Still not sure how you avoided getting lipstick somewhere on that dress (which was cute BTW); but a dry wedding??? Jezzzz…that's not hardly fair.
Dry wedding? Seriously?
You guys are a perfect pair. I almost peed while reading this.
"I can’t believe I have sex with this man on a semi-regular basis as this hole confusion is a bit disconcerting."
STOP!!! That killed me!
But honestly, I would take semi-often sex with a hole confused man at this point. The most action I get is my 8 month old dive-bombing my boobs in the middle of the night. He hasn't learned to be discretionary with his new teeth yet so its really a quite enjoyable way to be woken from a dead sleep!
Enjoy the lacking, confused sex Mama!
This is an oldie, but a goodie, I missed.
This is good. you should tweet this one out again b/c yo had me roaring out loud.
Hilarious.
You're the sweetest. I'll rerun it someday when I'm short on content. It's one of my personal faves.
“Red Lipstick is a Commitment Not to be Taken Lightly | Funny or Snot” ended up being a
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I appreciate it ,Nora